Semakin dewasa semakin I rasa diri ini kurang expressive. Semakin meningkat umur semakin I rasa kurang keyakinan diri, hari demi hari. Setiap kali nak meluahkan sesuatu, soalan soalan negative mesti berlegar;
‘Kalau I cakap macam ni, agak agak orang akan cakap I sombong tak?’
‘Layakkah I bercakap soal agama di blog/twitter/social media platforms bila imej I tak melambangkan seorang wanita muslimah’
‘Kalau I bercakap soal jodoh(apatah lagi #foreveralone macam I), adakah I akan dilabel desperate’
‘Kalau I bercerita mengenai crush di online diary/blog (crush dunia reality bukan celebrity crush yang fantasy semata), adakah I dilabel perempuan gedik. Bukankah opposite attract itu lumrah alam? Apa yang nak dimalukan?’
‘Layakkah seorang yang hidung tak mancung pipi tersorong sorong ni ada crush on someone’ (FML I even thought of plastic surgeries, see how low my confidence level is. I even asked the quotation from REGEN, BANOBAGI, BK! FML!)
‘Kalau I meluahkan rasa kecewa (be it pasal study/diri/sekeliling tapi tidak terlalu peribadi), adakah I akan dikatakan MEROYAN LEVEL: ABBY ABADI’
Selepas soalan soalan sebegini berlegar di kepala, terus tahap keyakinan diri untuk menulis dan ekpresi diri jatuh merudum.
Ended up diam, which is not good untuk kesan jangka masa panjang. Sebab mungkin rasa kurang keyakinan diri ini akan terbawa bawa ke sudut lain kehidupan seperti alam kerjaya/rumah tangga/etc. Well, if you get what I mean. (takkan semua nak spoon-fed).
A BFF of mine once said to me;
“I think you’re restricted yourself a lil’ bit too much”
Why? I kept thinking this, for days and nights! Why?
#thinkinghard.jpeg
Well that’s because I’m scared of being hurt. I hurt once (sebab kebodohan diri sendiri) dan pernah gagal dalam pendidikan (UPSR 4A 1B FML), to name few. I taknak rasa macam tu lagi. Sebab tu I lebih berhati hati sekarang, dalam segala aspects. IN FACT TERLALU BERHATI HATI it’s eating me up inside. And it’s getting worse.
Also, I think I’m good at nothing. My voice is &^*&^& I can’t even sing, I only know how to draw orang lidi, I speak broken English (rojak most of the time), I wasn’t born with model long skinny legs, I’m no genius like Albert Einstein and the negative list goes on. I’m only good at procrastination and stalking, AND THESE WOULD BRING ME NOWHERE IN THIS WORLD. Society won’t recognize me just because I’m crazy good in stalking. There’s no Nobel Laurite for stalking or procrastinating. WTF!
WTF my INSECURE DISEASE LEVEL: 8767667599. BEAT THAT!
I know this is wrong but it’s hard to change. Because Lil Miss Insecure is insecure. I don’t know why I’m so negative liddat. Semakin hari tanpa I sedar sifat tu semain menebal.
It’s already 2013, I pun dah a year older, sampai bila nak kurang keyakinan diri/insecure lagi. I hope I’ll found my strength again soon. Untuk menjadi lebih positive, lebih berani, lebih expressive dan lebih yakin diri (bukan over confident sebab over confident itu poyo okay).
Wish me luck!
Ps: Need to be surrounded by people with positive vibes, cherish my imperfections and…. KEEP CALM AND JUST BE HAPPY! HAHA.
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